Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I'm just going to fast forward to today, and not get stuck on filling you in on the daily grind of the past 3 months. Nothing too exciting has gone on, other than a completely healthy pregnancy. I've been so lucky and really really have enjoyed being pregnant!
I had an ultrasound last Monday (8 days ago now), and that was exactly two weeks before my due date... The ultrasound showed that the baby was weighing 8 lbs 4 oz at that point, and I got incredibly nervous about having a c-section. I've just been so afraid of the recovery from a c-section. I know people (a best friend and my sister in-law) who have had c-sections and swear by them...not at all bothered by it. But we live on the 3rd floor and I just really want the freedom to come and go as I please when the baby is here. I'm sure I'll be home-bound for a while anyway, but I still would like to avoid a c-section if possible. Certainly not at the cost of the baby's safety, or anything like that. Anyway, I had this big idea that at my next dr appt (which was last Thursday) my doctor would say - let's schedule you for an induction before this baby gets too big! Boy, was I wrong! When I realized how off I was on this assumption, I just crumbled and cried my eyes out. My poor doctor. He is so so kind and certainly felt sorry that I was upset, but was not budging on his decision to "see what happens." Ugh. I'm actually in no real rush to deliver before my due date, but I'm in even less of a rush to go PAST my due date. If the ultrasound was accurate (which I realize is not always the case), and the baby gains a pound a week (which I also realize is the high end, but still a possibility) and my doctor lets me go 10 days past my due date...she'll weigh close to 12 poundssssssss! That can't happen, right? He won't let that happen, right? YIKES! So there's my big concern these days. That's not to say that I don't have a million other scary thoughts on a daily basis about the baby's health, the delivery, how things will be when we all get home, etc. I even had a dream that I gave birth to a two year old boy! Hahaha! And somehow it wasn't creepy at all. Dreams are strange. Especially these days!
On another note, my mom arrives today! I'm really excited to have her around... I was a little concerned that the baby might not wait until Grammy arrived, but here we are. That's a really good thing - especially for Ed. Poor Ed was so nervous that he'd have to get me through labor without my mom. Hahaha! Poor guy has a very weak stomach and is really unsure about how this is all going to go. I'm sure he'll pull through like a champ at such a time, but I guess ya never know. It'll be nice to have my mom around, putting all of her motherly touches on everything like she does. It seems my mom has taken to being a grandmother much better and whole-heartedly than she took to being a mom. My brother's kids are very lucky and now my little lovebug will be so lucky, too. My brother has my mom close (very close, in fact...in his house!), but I'm ok with the 2000 miles in between us for the most part. I know that my brother and I always had a very close with our grandmother who lived out of state, so I know it can be done. But for this month that she's here, I'll surely enjoy having her simmering stews on the stove and cuddling the wee one while I rest, etc. Although our apartment is cozy and warm, my mom has a way of making every place a little homier. We do really well 2000 miles apart and I'm hoping we won't be at each other's throats in a week... Haha! I really think, given the circumstances, we'll do just fine this time around.
My in-laws have decided that they won't be making it here for the birth of the baby, but that's ok. I understand. Portugal is so far away and they need to be here some time in January or February for our nephew's baptism so they'll meet the baby then.
Let's see...what else should I fill you in after all this time? Oh! I had the most amazing baby shower!!!! 8 of my closest friends (seriously!) put it on and it was seriously the best shower I've ever been to! I'm not sure if I'm partial because it was given in my honor, but really - the girls pulled out all the stops! I should put up some pics! We got showered with more love (and gifts!)than we could have ever imagined!!! Really a spectacular day!!!
Our dear dear friend finished making all the bedding and it came out better than I had hoped! I knew she was talented, but I had no idea just HOW talented! It was her first time ever doing any kind of bedding and she really rocked it! I'll definitely post pics of that soon, too! Our bedroom (reminder: we live in a 1 bedroom, so we combined the nursery and our bedroom) looks so great! We're both really happy with the way it all came out. The baby has everything she would in a nursery (aside from a crib)...the bassinet, a bookshelf filled with her books, her own closet, changing table, glider. Everything. And I really think it looks great...not too crammed or anything, even with all of our furniture. We got rid of the 2 bedside tables that we had (well, put them in storage) and combined our clothes in one closet (can't believe our unborn child has more clothes than we do!) and it's worked so perfectly. So happy about that. The plan still remains to be into a 2 or 3 bedroom place by the time Laney is 6 months old, but still really relieved to be comfy in this apartment for now.
I've gained exactly 40 pounds as of now, and I wish I could say I'm at a stand still. I'm not. My eating has picked back up (after having lost 2 pounds at my appt 2 wks ago, and stayed the same last week) and I'm not really excited to step on the scale at my appt tomorrow. I'm really really hating seeing myself in the mirror and disappointed that my face has gotten so fat! I know it's silly...I know I'm 9 months pregnant. I tell myself that every day. But I was feeling so good...so confident...so "all belly" for so long. And now all I see is this neck...ugh! How silly to get caught up in this at such a happy time, but I can't help it. I foresee a huge struggle to get this weight off after the baby... I hope I'm wrong. I'm already researching switching my gym membership to a gym that offers childcare and classes that I like (I was an avid spinner back in my more active days). Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Weight. Such an ongoing stress for me. Ok. I'm done. I'm only 5 pounds over the limit my dr had given me back when I first got pregnant, so I guess that's not too bad.
That about does it for now. I have a long to do list to get done (thanks to the hubby - King of To Do Lists!) today, before my mom comes in. I hope to blog soon!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I keep wondering: "How the hell did I end up here...6 months pregnant, jobless and living in a one bedroom apartment?!?!?" I realize that my foolish decisions in the past have landed me here. Why did I quit school with so little time left? Why?!?!? I could SCREAM! Everyone said - don't do it, you'll never go back blah blah blah. Did I listen? Noooooooo. Ugh!
So here I sit, thinking back to before we started trying to get pregnant. I remember specifically sitting down with my bosses (the parents of the kids I was nannying for) to make sure that we were all on the same page before we went ahead with IVF. We were. We were all very excited that I wanted to stay on after the baby was born, and that I would take the baby to work with me. It would be the 4th kid in the mix, but we were ALL ok with that. Excited about it, actually. And both of my bosses were completely OK with me taking 1-2 months off when the baby would be born. This is a complete rarity in the world of nannying. There aren't many people who want their nanny to bring their own child to work...for a number of reasons. Reasons that I understand. Reasons I can't argue with. BUT this wasn't one of those families. They thought it would be wonderful...the 2 big kids would be in school most of the day and it would just be the baby (who would be over 18 months by the time my baby arrived) and my little girl. Perfect! And yet here I sit. Jobless. I'm not suggesting that the family completely change their lives to make me happy. I'm just simply venting. Situations change, I know this. I just wish THIS situation hadn't changed when it had. I was having a hard time with the oldest child, I know. My work was bringing me to tears at times, I know. But I never planned on quitting. I was going to stick it out until things got better. I was determined to make it work. But then BAM! I had no choice. I was relieved at first. I really was. But now that it's a reality and I've been without work for a couple of weeks, THIS SUCKS.
I've been exploring my options, it just seems that my options are very limited. In fact, non-existent. My first choice was to go back to school...well, loan consolidation and red tape are making it tough to just get back in school. Which means this semester is out. Maybe next semester, who knows. Subbing has proven to be a bit of a let down... I had this idea that I'd be getting all kinds of calls by now. I think I've had 2 half days of subbing so far. I certainly can't rely on that. I've gotten some here and there babysitting offers, and I've jumped on those. But again, maybe 3 since I've not been working.
I had a complete meltdown that came out of nowhere on Saturday night. My poor husband. We were just sitting there about to start a movie and he asked: "Are you ok?" I completely burst into tears. I went on and on about this wasn't supposed to happen and how did we end up here and on and on and on. Needless to say, we didn't watch a movie and went to bed early. He really is a kind kind man, and I'm so thankful he is in my life. I had another meltdown today, while I was talking to one of my best friends. She was great and gave me a big pep talk about how I need to take on being a SAHW as my job until my next opportunity is here. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to get up and out of my robe and get outside and enjoy the sunshine on this beautiful day, but I just couldn't. After a good hour of sobbing I got a text from Ed and I explained that I was in the midst of another pity party and he was so good. Made me feel so much better. This next paragraph is a text I got from Ed today, after I texted him the question: Do you think we still would've tried to get pregnant if we knew we'd be in this situation now (me, jobless with no prospectives)?
His response was:
"Well...we knew that we weren't getting any younger and that given our medical situation we couldn't do the custom family planning...if we waited for the ideal time it may never come. It isn't like we are bringing a baby into a broken home. I struggle, probably like you, in reconciling what my mind had dreamt up as ideal...a home, painting a baby's room, setting up a swing set in a huge backyard, having a kick ass family car, no money issues...all while you're a SAHM, etc. with our reality now, which lacks those things. I wish I could give you that and it kills me. However, even though our dream doesn't match our reality, the dream of having a family with you based on love makes it all so right and I would not trade my life with you for anything."
That, my friends, is why I married this man. He is absolutely right. We're blessed. I'm blessed. I am. I know this. I just needed a moment to feel sorry for myself, I guess (or a few days!). After all of this, I felt better. Got myself dressed and went for a long walk along the water, came home, cleaned up and got dinner started. I feel so much better. Still jobless and nervous as all get out, but hopeful that things will fall into place eventually.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Date/Week: Sept 16/ week 26
Total weight gain/loss: 24 lbs! Yikes! But I love my belly, so I'm not complaining!
Milestones: I've just started feeling Laney move on a regular basis, these past couple of days. Last week I had an evening when she was REALLY active and moving like crazy! And then I didn't feel anything for 2 whole days. Thank goodness for our doppler! But these past 3 days, Little Laney Loo has been consistently active at the same time each day. It's been great! And Ed can almost always feel her kicking away in the early mornings. Fun stuff!
Physical Progress: I'm still quite large for how far along I am, but again - I'm honestly ok with it. I wanted a big ole pregnant belly, and now I certainly have one! I can still hike up our 3 fights of stairs without much trouble, which I'm thankful for. I'm worried about how that will change in the next few weeks, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. My husband is great about carrying anything and everything, when necessary. I get a lot of: "NO! Sit down! Don't do that! Let me get that!" from everyone (not Ed, necessarily - just the general public) and I want to say: "I'm just pregnant!" Maybe I should take more advantage of these situations, but I know when I need to sit and when I need to say I can't do something. I actually have no trouble saying, "Sorry, but I can't do that," if something seems to heavy or too physically hard.
Symptoms: I have to say, I have just about everything that is considered "normal" in the books I read... I have leg cramps at night (that go away as soon as I flex my foot), I have hot flashes, extra hungry, restless sleep, nausea almost every morning, extra emotional (cry over EVERYTHING!), messed up movements (if you know what I mean), and so on. Heightened sense of smell, extra quick gag reflex. What else? Lots of things! But none of it is too unbearable. Except the heartburn! Oh! The heartburn! Yesterday, my dr suggested that I start taking zantac rather than overdosing on Tums (for fear of kidney stones). I'll probably make that switch soon.
How do I feel about my body: As I've mentioned, I'm loving the belly! My husband giggles when I walk into the room sometimes and then we both just crack up at how BIG my belly is. I love it. Sure, I'm not crazy about the double chin that is in full swing, or the feet turned blocks. But really? I love being pregnant! I feel great!
Food Cravings/Aversions: Same that it's been since I was about 7 weeks along... Strong aversion to my favorite veggies (asparagus and spinach), LOVING bagels, LOVING cereal, LOVING ice cream. Basically, the opposite of a healthy diet. I do eat a lot of fruit and drink mostly water (with an occasional Caramel Frappe from McD's - gasp!).
Sleep: Very bumpy sleep schedule. I tend to wake up between 3-5am and then I can't get back to sleep. Laney is also up, kicking and rolling around at this time, which I pretty much love. But then I get soooooooo sleepy around 8 or 9am. Some days I can go back to sleep, but then I sleep til noon and have a hard time falling asleep at night and the cycle continues. I can't figure out what the heck to do about it. Oh well.
Energy Level: Pretty good, for the most part. I get tired, but I can still last out at night, etc. I went out Saturday night (my brother was in town for a wedding on Sunday, so the 4 of us - my brother, SIL, husband, and myself!) for a late dinner and got up early Sunday morning for wedding shenanigans and then stayed at the wedding until about 11pm on Sunday night. I wasn't too exhausted. Wait - I did have a 2 hr nap before the wedding. Hahahaha! Ok, so I get a little tired if I overdo it.
Exercise: Yikes! I wish this wasn't on the list. I'm rather embarrassed to say that I get very little exercise, other than the 3 flights of stairs to get to our apartment. I did walk around a lot in San Diego (and whined about it, too!), and I try to walk some, but I just don't. I need to, especially while I can. I'm afraid I'm going to start rusting up and then I won't be able to! Ugh.
Baby Movement: Oops! See above: Milestones.
Thoughts and Feelings: I still can't get over how quickly this is all happening! I got my shower invitation in the mail today and I just can't believe MY BABY SHOWER is next month! I might mentioned that I'm absolutely THRILLED about my baby shower - all of my close girlfriends are planning it together and the invitation is the 1st glimpse I've gotten of it. I just KNOW it's going to be PERFECT! But yes - back to my thoughts and feelings about HOLY MOLY, I'M HAVING A BABY! It's getting so real. When should I start washing tiny baby clothes? When should I start setting up her little things? When should I start packing a bag. I really feel it's too early, but is it? Certainly, I don't need my hospital bag yet, but the other stuff I can probably start slowly any time. Right? I don't know. I just can't even believe I'M HAVING A BABY! So nuts! I signed Ed up for the Boot Camp for New Dads. Hahaha! He's going to have so much fun there, I just know it. And how cute is it that the new dads bring their little babies back at 3 months to show off for the new dads to be in the next session. I just melt thinking about it. So cute! I'm also thinking a lot about breastfeeding. I have a little bit of anxiety about it. I just want it all to work out SOOOOOO badly that I fear I'm setting myself up for failure. I want to be able to breastfeed (solely breastfeed or pump) for 1 year. I fear that may be unrealistic, but I reallllllly want to be able to do that. Fingers crossed!
What I am looking forward to: Seeing the baby! There are lots of other things to come first that I'm so excited for before that though... Like the shower!!!! Whoop! And more kicking and moving! I'm really looking for regular movement all day long.
What I am reading/things I'm learning: I check on my whereabouts in What to Expect When You're Expecting just about every week, and I read it out loud to Ed. It's fun to know that my uterus is now the shape/size of a basketball and the baby is the size of an eggplant. ;-)
Ok, that about does it! Ed just got home from work, so I'm going to go spend some time before I head off to bed, even though it's only 8:15! I'm hoping that since I didn't take a nap (much to my dismay!) today, I can sleep through the night. Here's to hoping...
Monday, August 23, 2010
I had my OB appt today and all is well. I only gained 5 pounds in the last 5 weeks, which is so much better than the 10 that I gained during the 4 weeks before my last appt. I thought for sure I was going to go over 200 pounds and I was definitely bracing myself. I've never been thin, and so I knew I'd be over 200 pounds during my pregnancy, but I'm really happy to know that I'm far enough away from that dreaded number that I'll hopefully start my 3rd trimester before I get there. Not much goes on at these regular OB appts it seems - a urine check, weight check, fetal heart check (which is always fun!), and time for questions. All good stuff, but nothing too too exciting.
I mentioned in a previous post that my oh-so-kind doctor mentioned that we may be able to finagle a 2nd ultrasound in, since my placenta is blocking most of the fetal kicks and movement that I should be feeling. I was sent on my way today with a wink and a "good luck" as I got a requisite form for an ultrasound next week! I can't say enough how kind my doctor (and his nurse practitioner, who I saw today - since my dr was on vaca) is. So next Tuesday we go in for an ultrasound, just to make sure everything is ok - and to hopefully put to rest the idea that this might be a baby girl that I'm carrying around. I'm sure it's a girl, but there's still that 10% chance that has us wondering. I have to say that I'm a little worried that this baby bug will be asleep again, because the ultrasound is at 8:40am and that seems to be a pretty quiet time for her. Our 18 week ultrasound was at 8am and the baby slept through the whole thing and that was why there wasn't a completely accurate sex check. We're both really excited for the ultrasound next week!
I have a new found love for Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I've discovered the flavor called: everything but the.... It's DELICIOUS! A collision of chocolate and vanilla ice creams mixed with heath bar chunks, peanut butter cups and fudge covered almonds.
My husband and I had the big soda debate again last night... I feel so strongly about this soda issue, and I can't let it go. I try. I really do. Ed would never ever tell me I can't have anything. Especially if I really loved it. BUT. I do not want to be a household that has soda. I just don't. It's gross, it's full of sugar and it has NO nutritional value. I don't know how I can sit here and gush about how in love I am with ice cream and in the next paragraph tell you all how I NEED my husband to stop buying soda for the house. I realize how fucked up that is, but I still feel that way. I had been successful in getting this through to Ed before I got pregnant. I'm pretty sure I even cried about it back then. Then early on in my pregnancy, when I was really really nauseous and sick all the time, I had some gingerale in the house. Now, for some reason, even though I haven't had any gingerale in weeks(!), Ed still buys it every week at the grocery store and proceeds to drink it. The thing about the soda is that I know Ed drinks soda (coke, no less!) at work and any time we're outside of the house (restaurants, friends' houses, baseball games, concerts, etc.). Ed doesn't just drink one soda...he drinks 4 or more at any given outing. And when there's soda in the house, he just drinks it until it's gone. Sometimes the whole 2 liter bottle in one night. And now he has this thing that we *have* to have gingerale on hand at all times, just in case I get queasy and need it. Well...that doesn't happen. Why can't I get just let it go? Why can't Ed just drink whatever he wants, whenever he wants it? Now I'm faced with the idea that our children are going to grow up in a household that has soda. Soda is gross. Nasty. If you put a penny in soda - it disintegrates!!! People! How nasty can you get?!?!??! Ok. I'm done. To each his own, everyone has their vices and soda is Ed's. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he drinks soda. BUT COME ON! I HATE IT! Wait. Didn't I say I was done? Ok, I'm done.
We went to Ikea last week and got all the things I mentioned in my last post. It was a lot of fun! Now I just need to figure out who I'm going to hit up to actually sew the bassinet sheets and skirt with all the material I bought! Ed has a lot of little aunts who can do it and I also have a really good friend who can sew absolutely ANYTHING. I wish Ed's mom was here - because I know she'd really enjoy doing it the most. But she's all the way in Portugal and shipping it there and trying to get across exactly what I want is really unrealistic.
Ed thought of the perfect middle name to go with one of our two names that we've decided on... In case you forgot or haven't read the name post from a few weeks ago, we have narrowed it down to 2 names for girls: Drew Madalena or Madalena (but calling her Lainey). We didn't have a middle name that we loved to go with Madalena (because we want to save Drew in case we have another girl down the road). This was driving me crazy because it was holding me back from being able to fully decide on a name. I knew I wanted a one syllable name for the middle name because Madalena is kind of a mouth full as it is. So Ed came up with Madalena Rose. I absolutely LOVE it and I am definitely leaning more toward Lainey now. Ed still likes Drew better than Madalena but is leaving the final decision up to me. Since Madalena is his mother's name, he really can't object. So still Drew or Lainey, but feeling really strongly about Lainey. Feels good!
My shower is being planned!!! How fun is that?!?!? I have such an amazing group of friends and I know it's going to be perfect! I was in the loop with some of the planning for a split second (bless my one friend's heart - who sings like a canary), but I started to stress about the burden I was putting on everyone by having too big of a guest list, etc. and so I'm now shut out of everything. Even though I'm so nosey, I think this is a good thing. So. Flippin. Excited!!!!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Saturday night was my high school reunion (15 years!)... Since I was the one putting on the reunion, I was on my feet most of the day getting things ready, and the party lasted from 7pm until about 12:30am. At about 10:30pm my stomach got as hard as a rock(!) and I felt a strong pressure on both sides of my belly! It was insane and I knew I needed to drink more water (even though that's all I was drinking all night!) and get my feet up asap. The reunion was supposed to be over at 11pm, but just when the dj told everyone the night was over, people were begging for more - and who am I to stop a great party, especially when I'm getting the credit!!? But I was exhausted, to say the least. This tightness lasted only a few minutes and then it passed and I was able to move on, but I did take it very easy for the rest of the night.
Ed was concerned yesterday and asked me to call the doctor. I called and spoke to the call nurse today about what went on Saturday night and it turns out that it was my first braxton hicks! I never suspected this would happen so early, but clearly, I'm actually 5 months pregnant no matter how deep my denial goes. I'm not sure why I feel like I need to be pinched every day, but I guess it's because I just feel so incredibly lucky. How does one person get so many of her life-long dreams and prayers answered in just 2 short years??
Yesterday was our 1 year anniversary! In some ways I simply can't believe that it's been a year - it's flown by, to say the least! In other ways, it seems like Ed and I have been together forever! I can't explain how much I love being married. Last night while we were out to dinner (at a very fancy place, I might add - http://duckworthsbistrot.com ) Ed asked me how I liked being married... I explained that I absolutely am so much more comfortable in my skin and with my life. It's hard to describe just how marriage has changed my life. I'm (obviously) happier on a day to day basis. I no longer have to worry about finding the one. I don't have to think about silly things like - oh boy, I better do my hair before I go to the grocery store...what if I meet my future husband! Just little silly things like that...I didn't really know I was in constant pursuit of this type of happiness, but looking back, I certainly was. It's just sooooo nice to have this camaraderie that I have going on in my life. I have a partner to do everything with...every little thing. I don't wonder what my evening has in store, other than...hmmm...i wonder Eddie will make me laugh tonight....I wonder what we'll have for dinner...I wonder if I'll get that almost nightly foot rub tonight... Those are all very comforting thoughts to me. I didn't marry for money, but we're definitely living on love over here. It's the most amazing feeling. I can honestly say that two of my biggest goals in life were to marry for love and to be a mother. My dreams are all coming true! How cool is that?
Ok. I'm gushing. Not everything over here is hunky dory.... There's always work, which means dreaded monsters...er...I mean children. Today when I picked the big kids up from camp, I saw one of the other kids' moms staring at me. She finally nervously walked over to me and asked if I was Sophie's nanny. When I replied yes, she said (nervously laughing): "Oh, I just knew it wasn't true..." Um...what? It seems the girl has told her sweet little girl that I am a witch...and that's not all. The stories Sophie has told of how I treat the children were so "terrifying" that the woman wouldn't even repeat them. Now, at first I wanted to laugh. This grown woman actually believed that I was a witch. But then when I looked over at her petrified little girl with her eyes bugging out of her head, clearly thinking I was going to cast a spell on her mother for confronting me, I was so embarrassed that I didn't know what to do. It was awful! I almost cried for the little girl, as I walked over to her and got down to her level and explained that the girl watches and reads a lot of Harry Potter and she likes to use her imagination and that I am, indeed, a very nice babysitter. I guess this little girl goes home scared for the girl's life every time she sees me picking up the kids. How sad is that? This is just another story of how strangely twisted this little 6 year old that I watch is. Is this normal? I think not.
It didn't end there with the girl today. As I was leaving with the kids, one of the very young camp counselors (I'm always amazed at how they expect 15 year old girls to take control of all these 4-8 yr olds) stopped me (nervously again) and told me the girl was in trouble again for telling another child: "You suck!" Minor, in the book of what the girl does to get in trouble, but still. Just added to pick up time today.
When we got home, the girl knew my feelings were hurt, because I told her in the car on the way home, by all the witch talk and so she was being extra sweet. She made me a bracelet and a cute little angel made out of pipe cleaners, and she asked me lots of questions about the baby...trying to win me over. I really didn't get down on her for all of the stuff I heard at camp pick up because really, I'm just tired. Tired of all of this. And I just have 21 days left of work, so I've resorted to just letting the parents know what's going on and then they can punish or discipline how they deem fit. But I did want to mention that the bracelet the girl gave me was a leather strap (from a child bracelet making kit) and in lipstick she wrote: SEX. I asked what this word meant and she said, "I don't really know what it means, it's just a cool word." Ah, the joys of nanny-hood!
That's all for today, folks. Ed just got home and we're going to go be a happy little family and look out for baby kicks! Hope you're well!
(as usual, I'm not reading through this post, so there may be grammatical errors...)