In a bit of a funk

So this whole not working thing isn't really working out for me. I'm not super psyched to be sitting around, and I'm even less psyched to be living on one paycheck. We can certainly get by on just my husband's salary, but it's not what we're used to and it's not particularly fun. I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately, which is not a good thing to feel.

I keep wondering: "How the hell did I end up here...6 months pregnant, jobless and living in a one bedroom apartment?!?!?" I realize that my foolish decisions in the past have landed me here. Why did I quit school with so little time left? Why?!?!? I could SCREAM! Everyone said - don't do it, you'll never go back blah blah blah. Did I listen? Noooooooo. Ugh!

So here I sit, thinking back to before we started trying to get pregnant. I remember specifically sitting down with my bosses (the parents of the kids I was nannying for) to make sure that we were all on the same page before we went ahead with IVF. We were. We were all very excited that I wanted to stay on after the baby was born, and that I would take the baby to work with me. It would be the 4th kid in the mix, but we were ALL ok with that. Excited about it, actually. And both of my bosses were completely OK with me taking 1-2 months off when the baby would be born. This is a complete rarity in the world of nannying. There aren't many people who want their nanny to bring their own child to work...for a number of reasons. Reasons that I understand. Reasons I can't argue with. BUT this wasn't one of those families. They thought it would be wonderful...the 2 big kids would be in school most of the day and it would just be the baby (who would be over 18 months by the time my baby arrived) and my little girl. Perfect! And yet here I sit. Jobless. I'm not suggesting that the family completely change their lives to make me happy. I'm just simply venting. Situations change, I know this. I just wish THIS situation hadn't changed when it had. I was having a hard time with the oldest child, I know. My work was bringing me to tears at times, I know. But I never planned on quitting. I was going to stick it out until things got better. I was determined to make it work. But then BAM! I had no choice. I was relieved at first. I really was. But now that it's a reality and I've been without work for a couple of weeks, THIS SUCKS.

I've been exploring my options, it just seems that my options are very limited. In fact, non-existent. My first choice was to go back to school...well, loan consolidation and red tape are making it tough to just get back in school. Which means this semester is out. Maybe next semester, who knows. Subbing has proven to be a bit of a let down... I had this idea that I'd be getting all kinds of calls by now. I think I've had 2 half days of subbing so far. I certainly can't rely on that. I've gotten some here and there babysitting offers, and I've jumped on those. But again, maybe 3 since I've not been working.

I had a complete meltdown that came out of nowhere on Saturday night. My poor husband. We were just sitting there about to start a movie and he asked: "Are you ok?" I completely burst into tears. I went on and on about this wasn't supposed to happen and how did we end up here and on and on and on. Needless to say, we didn't watch a movie and went to bed early. He really is a kind kind man, and I'm so thankful he is in my life. I had another meltdown today, while I was talking to one of my best friends. She was great and gave me a big pep talk about how I need to take on being a SAHW as my job until my next opportunity is here. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to get up and out of my robe and get outside and enjoy the sunshine on this beautiful day, but I just couldn't. After a good hour of sobbing I got a text from Ed and I explained that I was in the midst of another pity party and he was so good. Made me feel so much better. This next paragraph is a text I got from Ed today, after I texted him the question: Do you think we still would've tried to get pregnant if we knew we'd be in this situation now (me, jobless with no prospectives)?

His response was:
"Well...we knew that we weren't getting any younger and that given our medical situation we couldn't do the custom family planning...if we waited for the ideal time it may never come. It isn't like we are bringing a baby into a broken home. I struggle, probably like you, in reconciling what my mind had dreamt up as ideal...a home, painting a baby's room, setting up a swing set in a huge backyard, having a kick ass family car, no money issues...all while you're a SAHM, etc. with our reality now, which lacks those things. I wish I could give you that and it kills me. However, even though our dream doesn't match our reality, the dream of having a family with you based on love makes it all so right and I would not trade my life with you for anything."

That, my friends, is why I married this man. He is absolutely right. We're blessed. I'm blessed. I am. I know this. I just needed a moment to feel sorry for myself, I guess (or a few days!). After all of this, I felt better. Got myself dressed and went for a long walk along the water, came home, cleaned up and got dinner started. I feel so much better. Still jobless and nervous as all get out, but hopeful that things will fall into place eventually.