I just watched Oprah - the episode with Jessica Simpson. I have to say - I really was baffled by what is happening around the world, regarding weight. I can't say I'm shocked...I studied Sociology in college. I get it. But WOW! I just am so shocked (and quite disturbed!) that one person can say: "You need to lose 10 kilos if you want to be a model," and that's enough to send someone into a life-long, life-threatening eating disorder! I wonder why I'm not effected by the media and society enough to get my ass into shape. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I really have. I get that whole thing. My weight has had some kind of control over my life. Always. I am who I am, I act the way I act, etc. because of my weight. I'm completely serious. What I wear, how I interact with people, how I enter a room....all of it. It's all weighing upon how "fat" I feel right then and there. It is literally on my mind most of the time - even randomly during conversations I'm in the middle of, I'll stop listening and think - "Holy shit! I just got so into that conversation that I had my head tilted in the position that gives me 3 chins! How could I let that happen!" Or: "Nissa! Suck your stomach in!" That's my own little voice inside my head, constantly aware of my weight. Yet, I can't seem to eat healthier or get my "ass the size of Cleveland" (as a "friend" referred to it in the 7th grade as, strangely complimenting me) to the gym. I wonder why that is. Part of me thinks that it's because I'm strong and confident, but more of me thinks that it's because I'm weak. Because I have no will-power. I've always loved food - people who don't love food are just plain strange to me. My brother, for example. Jesse really only eats when he's hungry. Who does that?!?! I feel like if I only ate when I was hungry, I just wouldn't eat. Clearly, that's because I haven't ever let myself GET hungry. Maybe that's an exaggeration - I have had hunger pangs in my life. I sometimes wake up SO hungry. But it's hardly ever. I eat so much that it takes a long time for me to get hungry. What's up with that? It seems I should be 500 pounds.
I credit myself with having "healthy habits," and that being my saving grace. By healthy habits I mean, I really don't drink anything but water - especially in the house. I try really hard to not keep juice or soda or anything that isn't water around. I try really hard to buy only whole foods - nothing from the box. And for the most part, I stick to those 2 rules. It's very rare - and only if we have company - that I veer from those rules. Actually, the things we regularly have (I just checked our cabinets and fridge) that are super processed are: fat-free hazelnut cream for our coffee for both of us, the actual coffee for both of us, all-natural Jones frozen breakfast sausage for Ed, yogurt, fiber-one whole wheat bread, and raisin bran all for me. Those are the staples we have that are not whole foods. Not too bad, compared to most people I know. But still - I eat TONS of processed foods outside of the house. I have no self control when I'm outside of the house - cupcakes, cookies, candy, soda. Whatever I want, I eat. Yikes! Stop the madness! Again - I really should be an oompa loompa. Maybe I am... I'm 5'2" and I weigh 172 pounds! That's BEYOND obese in the dr's office. But why don't I feel obese? Why do I look in the mirror and feel pretty ? I don't feel skinny, but I feel ok. Pretty good, in fact. Is something missing in my brain that doesn't let me see how gross I look? I can see pretty in the mirror and as soon as I leave the house I feel gross! I'm so conflicted - am I fat? Am I fine? Am I exactly what I'm supposed to be? I think maybe I should lose 20 pounds. I'd be 152 pounds. Big by some standards, but smaller than I've been since high school and honestly, I'd be feeling super fine! Really. I felt pretty damn good at my wedding and that was only 10 pounds lighter than I am now. I don't know. This is such a jumbled mess of my thoughts and feelings on my weight and my mind-set. It's just that I saw this anorexic woman on Oprah and just can't fathom how people can get actually SICK over what people say about their weight. I know it happens. I'm not questioning it or not believing these people. One of my very best friends has bulemia and I have attended numerous group therapy sessions, etc. as a supportive friend. I just don't understand how I can be 172 pounds, be obsessed with my weight, yet not do anything about it. It's so strange. Anytime I see someone I haven't seen in a while, they say: "You look great!" I automatically assume they mean I look thinner than the last time they saw me.
Right now, I'm confronted with a different reason to be healthy; fertility. I always thought that as soon as I was faced with the responsibility of taking care of a child there would be no question about it. I would just simply do that, do whatever it took to "take care" of this *unconceived, at this point* child. Turns out, I'm having a hard time with that. I'm about to start round 2 of an IVF cycle and I really really should get my act together. I should be eating healthy, I should be exercising. Eating for fertility really isn't a strict diet - it's a great diet, in fact. Why am I not following it? Does it mean that I don't really want this baby? Absolutely not. I want this IVF cycle to take so badly that I can taste it!
All I can do is try harder, and that I shall do!
I started writing this post last week - I opened it again today, to finish it and I can say that I have started to take control. Ed and I got up at 5am and hit the gym. Here's to trying harder! Whoop whoop!
I credit myself with having "healthy habits," and that being my saving grace. By healthy habits I mean, I really don't drink anything but water - especially in the house. I try really hard to not keep juice or soda or anything that isn't water around. I try really hard to buy only whole foods - nothing from the box. And for the most part, I stick to those 2 rules. It's very rare - and only if we have company - that I veer from those rules. Actually, the things we regularly have (I just checked our cabinets and fridge) that are super processed are: fat-free hazelnut cream for our coffee for both of us, the actual coffee for both of us, all-natural Jones frozen breakfast sausage for Ed, yogurt, fiber-one whole wheat bread, and raisin bran all for me. Those are the staples we have that are not whole foods. Not too bad, compared to most people I know. But still - I eat TONS of processed foods outside of the house. I have no self control when I'm outside of the house - cupcakes, cookies, candy, soda. Whatever I want, I eat. Yikes! Stop the madness! Again - I really should be an oompa loompa. Maybe I am... I'm 5'2" and I weigh 172 pounds! That's BEYOND obese in the dr's office. But why don't I feel obese? Why do I look in the mirror and feel pretty ? I don't feel skinny, but I feel ok. Pretty good, in fact. Is something missing in my brain that doesn't let me see how gross I look? I can see pretty in the mirror and as soon as I leave the house I feel gross! I'm so conflicted - am I fat? Am I fine? Am I exactly what I'm supposed to be? I think maybe I should lose 20 pounds. I'd be 152 pounds. Big by some standards, but smaller than I've been since high school and honestly, I'd be feeling super fine! Really. I felt pretty damn good at my wedding and that was only 10 pounds lighter than I am now. I don't know. This is such a jumbled mess of my thoughts and feelings on my weight and my mind-set. It's just that I saw this anorexic woman on Oprah and just can't fathom how people can get actually SICK over what people say about their weight. I know it happens. I'm not questioning it or not believing these people. One of my very best friends has bulemia and I have attended numerous group therapy sessions, etc. as a supportive friend. I just don't understand how I can be 172 pounds, be obsessed with my weight, yet not do anything about it. It's so strange. Anytime I see someone I haven't seen in a while, they say: "You look great!" I automatically assume they mean I look thinner than the last time they saw me.
Right now, I'm confronted with a different reason to be healthy; fertility. I always thought that as soon as I was faced with the responsibility of taking care of a child there would be no question about it. I would just simply do that, do whatever it took to "take care" of this *unconceived, at this point* child. Turns out, I'm having a hard time with that. I'm about to start round 2 of an IVF cycle and I really really should get my act together. I should be eating healthy, I should be exercising. Eating for fertility really isn't a strict diet - it's a great diet, in fact. Why am I not following it? Does it mean that I don't really want this baby? Absolutely not. I want this IVF cycle to take so badly that I can taste it!
All I can do is try harder, and that I shall do!
I started writing this post last week - I opened it again today, to finish it and I can say that I have started to take control. Ed and I got up at 5am and hit the gym. Here's to trying harder! Whoop whoop!
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