Today marks day 1 in our second IVF cycle. That means today was my first blood test and ultrasound (vaginal - fun!) to begin the rest that comes with it. I'll get a call sometime between noon and 6pm, instructing me on what comes next - could be shots starting today or tomorrow, pills, starting today or tomorrow, or simply to come back in tomorrow or Sunday for more tests before I get started on any medication. It all depends on today's test results. None of it is right or wrong or good or bad - it is what it is and we work with what we have.
Right now I'm sitting at home, waiting for my box of medication to be delivered by Fed-Ex. Last time I got this delivery, I sat on the floor and completely cried my eyes out. I had no idea it was going to happen and I had scheduled the delivery to come to work. Luckily, the big kids were in school and the baby was napping, because I just couldn't control my emotions. I got so overwhelmed, staring at all these different vials and syringes and needles! I had no idea there were going to be SO MANY different things in that box, and the packing list was SO LONG! Photos are of Cycle #1 goodies.
This week has been interesting, building up to today. People keep asking me if I'm ready... I think I'm ready, I really do. But I'm not 100% sure and that's making me nervous. Should I be all gung-ho (sp?)??? I guess I am pretty gung-ho, actually. I'm following the diet that I'm supposed to, I've been going to acupuncture (ok, I went last week and missed this week - but will go soon, I promise - myself). I'm ready. I wasn't able to pull myself out of bed at 5am this week to hit the gym like I was last week, but I have been outside all week with the kids and been relatively active - running the bases with Aeneas during our little sidewalk chalk game of baseball we set up, etc. I'm ready. But I'm nerrrrrrrvous! That's not to say that I'm not feeling good about this cycle - I am. I feel like it's going to take - the average for my fertility clinic is 2.2 cycles for a live birth. With that statistic, I felt ok with the first cycle not taking. I wouldn't say I was ok with the news in the sense that it didn't bother me - Ed and I were both super sad and tears definitely fell on the day that we got the call (even though I certainly felt in my bones that I wasn't pregnant all along). But we weren't SHOCKED. But now it's cycle 2. This should work. We're doing everything right, and it should work. So when I answer the question: "Are you ready?" with a hesitant I think, it's only because I'm not ready for all that comes with the (I hear a delivery truck! whoop! nope. ugh.) taking the hormones and I'm not ready for the giant needles that we have to give me (I can do 3 of the 4, but Ed has to give me the biggest one in my rear). It really was a nightmare last time. I cried. I cry all the time anyway, but I really CRIED and CRIED over everything. And the fits! Oh, the fits! I threw fits like I hadn't thrown in years! Stamping with clenched fists and screaming so loud my veins were bulging. I may or may not have actually cleared the entire kitchen table with one fell swoop of my arm, in a fit of rage. My meds have been shifted some since the last cycle (since that exact concoction didn't work), so hopefully I'll be a little less emotional. Dr Hardy certainly didn't elude to that, but we can hope. We shall see.
Oh boy. Here we go... Ed just called to check in on this morning's appt (it was only the 2nd out of at least 15 that he wasn't able to join me) and to see if the box was delivered yet and I totally started crying. Sobbing. Why does this happen? I just get so overwhelmed with all the what ifs and I just cry at the sound of his voice. Oh boy. The sonographer (my favorite sonographer of the 3 I regularly have, mind you) said everything looked great from the ultrasound and everything went fine when giving blood - I should NOT be upset. But I am. It's funny (not sure if funny haha or funny odd, but funny somehow), on the way to my appt this morning, I was crying happy tears when our wedding song came on the radio. I was remembering back to the first night of our honeymoon, when Edwin McCain asked the crowd: "Are Ed and Nissa here?" I was so shocked that one of my favorite musicians knew my name and congratulated us on our marriage and then played our wedding song. My new husband had already shown me how special he was, but this was above anything I'd expected. Ed wrote to Edwin McCain, explaining what a huge fan I am and that we had chosen our honeymoon based on his performance, etc. How fun! So yes, this morning - just 4 hours ago - I was crying happy tears over continuing our journey to starting a family and now I'm crying very different tears. I'm not a nervous person in general, but this makes me so nervous. Statistically, we should be ok. But really, there's only a 48.8% chance I'll ever get pregnant. That doesn't sound nearly as good as 2.2 cycles for a live birth. Ugh. Statistics. They give me hope and a sense of doom all at the same time. I have to say - this time around is going to be a very different experience, I can already tell. Just this morning, I was so much more interested in the sonographer's results. Last time I had no interest at all (no questions or anything - it was all foreign), because I didn't know what I was looking for. This time I was all over her - asking all kinds of questions about the numbers and the positions of ovaries and follicles, etc. I was a little disappointed that she didn't remember me right away (after all, it was this very woman who first pointed out the giant lake hanging around in my insides, which pointed to my soon after diagnosis), but I had to remind myself that in the 2 month break we were on from fertility, hundreds of women have been in for ultrasounds. She (Kathleen is her name, oh favorite one) was quick to join me in the happy reunion when I reminded her, I happily report, but still.
So I'm happy to be starting cycle #2. I really am. I'm happy to know more of what's happening with my body this time around, and happy to be more aware of what to expect, and happy to be that much closer to becoming a mommy (which feels silly to type, I admit). Studies show that the 2nd time around is much easier on we women, since we are not so nervous about the unknown of what's to come. But I'm wondering if I'm actually more nervous this time because I know what to expect. Who knows? I sure don't.
Well, the delivery truck still hasn't arrived (although I swear I've heard 3 or 4 go down our tiny little street), but I'm going to get off the computer and get some things done around the house. Have a great day and send happy thoughts our way!
-Nissa
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