SO much going on!

What I haven't mentioned is what's going on with my job... UGH! My job. I hate my job. What was keeping me going all this time, was the idea that I'd never have to worry about childcare. My bosses had both agreed (something we discussed way back before we even started trying last year) that it would be absolutely wonderful if I would bring my child(ren) to work with me.

As it is, I am a nanny for 3 kids (present ages 6, almost 5, and 14 months). In the fall both big kids will be in school most of the day, so it'll just be the little guy and my little one (after December). This job has been pure hell.

I have been a nanny for over 14 years, and I have loved almost every moment of it. I have had the pleasure of working with some WONDERFUL families, children and parents alike. In fact, I've liked the children more than the parents in almost all of my nannying situations. I was blessed to find the perfect family back when I was 19. I lived with them for 6 years and then continued to take care of the children and live out for the next 2 years. It was amazing. The parents, the kids. Everything. I'm still in touch with the whole family and see them once or twice a year (they still live in Colorado, and now I'm back in Massachusetts). Since that Boulder family, I've worked with 4 or 5 different families - a lot great kids with some NIGHTMARE parents (ok, mothers). I guess I got spoiled right off the bat, and so it was tough to ever find that perfect fit again.

And then I met this family that I work with now... They're great... The parents are both incredible. They're both doctors, and they're the kindest, most down to earth people I've ever met. The mother is from Ireland and the father from Detroit. Love. Them. Love my schedule. Love my pay. Love it all...almost.

The kids on the other hand, are a completely different story. They're adorable freckled little munchkins with gigantic blue eyes and you just want to eat them up as soon as you see them. And then. They speak. They scream at me how much they hate me, they leave me notes saying how much they hate me. They turn into devils at the very sight of me (in front of the parents or not). I should mention that the baby is a joy - I was working with the 2 big kids before Elijah was ever born, and so baby boy loves me...doesn't know life without me. I've been working with these kids for almost 2 years. In 2 years, these kids have only gotten worse. I feel so defeated. I have tried EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter... I can do everything they want (although I'm not one to drop the disciplining of rude children just to win them over, so there's always that problem in their eyes) all day long, and as soon as one of the parents show up they go on and on about how dreadful the day was and how I didn't let them do anything they wanted, etc. They flat out lie. All. The. Time. The parents really do try with them, but they're total softies. They think they're not, but they are. Here's a perfect example of how frustrating my daily grind is: One day, just last week, both big kids were HORRENDOUS. By horrendous I mean throwing screaming and crying and kicking on the floor fits (not 2 year olds - 5 and 6 year olds!) because I wouldn't let them watch a 3 hour Harry Potter movie in the middle of a beautiful day. Keep in mind that I have never once let the children watch tv. Ever. It's part of how I nanny - I just don't do tv, and the parents totally agree. On a rainy day we may go to a special movie, but I'm all about crafts, baking, reading, etc. or most importantly playing outside. So anyway, the mother called to check in (which she NEVER does, but for some reason the gods were watching, and I got to show their mother just what I deal with) and I explained what was going on... She was HORRIFIED. Completely horrified. She (I'll just keep saying "she" because I don't want to use her name) insisted that both kids be sent to their rooms until she got home, which was 4 hours away. Sounds insane, I know. BUT. These kids do all but hang me up on the ceiling fan and I don't always feel at liberty to do things like this, so I thought it may teach them a lesson. They stayed up there for about an hour and I did bring them up their usual 3 o'clock snacks (because starving them wasn't really on the plan that day). They were not the least bit phased by the first 2 hours. Seriously. They were happily playing separately in their rooms. Mom called again to check and said: (ok, this is when I wanted to quit on the spot) "I'm concerned that the kids aren't getting any exercise today. I'm going to come home early, in about 20 minutes, and take them on a bike ride to the park." Um. Ok. So....all that big story about you guys are going to stay in your rooms for the next 4 hours, and then you'll come down for dinner and go to bed straight away! is out the window? Because you're worried your 5 and 6 year old won't get enough exercise today? So not only did they have a lovely bike ride to the park with mom, DAD even left work early so he could join the family at the park. Best day of their lives, as far as the kids were concerned. I just can't win.

I add absolutely nothing to these kids' lives. I'm being completely wasted on a family where I am not enriching anyone or anything. It totally sucks. I've NEVER cried at work (because of the kids) until I started working with these kids. I've even cried in front of them. To them, pleading with them to lighten up on me. Who does that? I certainly never have. And I'd like to mention that this was happening before I was pregnant, so it's not the pregnancy hormones. I also want to point out that Mom has also cried in front of and to her children about the same things. People! This doesn't happen. 5 and 6 year olds DO NOT MAKE THEIR PARENTS AND NANNIES CRY. Why is this acceptable in their family, and why can't I make them see how fucked up this is? I've tried people. I've sat down with both parents. We've all gone to dinner, out for drinks. We've talked at length. We've implemented sticker charts, different reward systems, we've revoked privileges, we've canceled play dates, exciting outings, etc. I've gone on one-on-one "dates" with each child, partaking in their most favorite activities just to try to bond (on my days off, I might add). I am at a complete loss.

The good news? Well, the good news is actually terrible news, that I've come to love. About a month and a half ago, out of the blue, Mom blurted out: Nissa, I've quit my job and decided to be a stay at home mom. Um. Excuse me? Come again? Here I was, 3 months pregnant and losing my job. I instantly realized just how lucky this family is to be about to have one parent home with them full time - if any family needs this, they're it. She apologized up and down and went on about amazing references and how I'm the best of the best and I'll be fine blah blah blah. All I kept thinking was how when I would be done (she gave me 3 months notice), I would be almost 6 months pregnant, a terrible time to look for a job. I didn't text my husband, I didn't call him. I waited until he got home from work, was all showered and was sitting down. I knew Ed was going to be completely stressed out over this. And he was. He is. I've cried, I've been mad, I've been...elated, actually. The kids have gotten progressively worse - now they practically sing ding-dong-the-witch-is-dead, knowing that my days are numbered. I'm going to miss Mom, Dad, and Baby Boy. How terrible is it that I've been working with 2 children that are just about my favorite ages and I'm not going to miss them. I really am so spent. So burnt out. So. Tired. And geez... this is supposed to be a nice and enjoyable time in my life...I'm pregnant with my first child, for crying out loud. Give me a break! Well, a break is what I'm getting, come the end of August.

I've gone and looked at a local preschool that really inspired me to take the one last class I need to teach there. Have I actually taken the steps to sign up for the class? No. But I'm seriously considering it.

Then, yesterday, I had a brilliant idea! Maybe I'll go back to school, full time, and finish my degree! I (so fucking stupidly!) stopped going to the University of Colorado with one (maybe 2) semester left FOR A BOY. A stupid boy - one that was NEVER good enough and NOTHING compared to my wonderful husband - asked me to take over his business (you know - work my ass off, so he gets all the $) and it was more than a full time job. That was 4 years ago. Ugh. I'm done with work in August, and my little Baby Bug is due on December 20th. I could potentially squeeze in an entire semester before I even bring the baby home. It's obviously a little risky - I could deliver early, get put on bed rest, etc. So should I do it? Maybe I should try online classes the first semester? I'm not sure. I think we could supplement my income with financial aid (we already owe so much between us - what's a few more thousand?) and then I could actually get a REAL JOB at the end of it all. I've ordered my transcripts from CU, put in a call to Salem State. We'll see. My brother is SO unbelievably excited. Well... Hahaha. It was over text, but I just know he is. I once got a text from my brother (maybe a year or so ago) saying that his life destiny was to see that I finished my degree. Well, Jesse Boy, it might be that time. It's my greatest failure and shame in life, and I think I'd be SO unbelievably happy and proud to finally have my degree. Yay. We'll see though. No promises yet.

So... There you have it. The work thing SUCKS in a whole lot of ways. BUT. It's almost over. That was actually one of the things that sucked, because now I'll have to figure out some kind of childcare, but hey... that's what people do, right? We can do that, too. But seriously. To justify daycare, I'll need to be making more money. As it is now, half my pay would go to daycare. Well, I guess we could justify that but it would just seem so crazy to leave home to take care of someone else's kids, and drop mine off at daycare on the way. Time will tell.

On the pregnancy front, things are great. I feel Ok. Not great all the time, but great a lot of the time and that's awesome, if you ask me. I still get waves of nausea and gag easily and frequently throughout the day, but I'm not actually throwing. Bonus. I can no longer hide that I'm pregnant... This weekend when Ed and I went to fiesta, a woman put out her cigarette when she saw I had a baby in my belly (thank you, nice woman), some old friends that didn't know I was pregnant took one look at me and squealed with delight and hugged me, and I also got one friend who said: "Wow! You've really popped in the last week!" Some of it, I know for sure, is all the bagels still hanging on, but I do look pregnant - especially in sun dresses. My outfit of choice these days (it's been SO hot here!).

Eating has gotten a little better. I have been able to eat things like fresh mozzarella with avocado and balsamic for dinner, rather than just a bagel or pasta. I still can't add the tomatoes into the mix or any other veggies yet - but it's progress. Baby steps. Fruit has been hitting the spot, too. I'm very thankful for that. I've been loving watermelon, mangoes, and very hard, very cold apples. Everything has to be cold, I might add. I've NEVER put avocados in the fridge - and I have always bought avocados and eaten them almost daily. They always stay out and I eat them at room temp. But now they go right in the fridge with everything else. Everything must be COLD COLD COLD. Pregnancy is so funny like that. The strangest things go on. Oh! I had been really wanting a delicious cold and crisp caesar salad for weeks, but everyone warned me against it (because of the raw egg some said, and the anchovies others said). But Saturday night we went out with friends and I had some of Melissa's. It was SO good, I almost ate it all! I kept scooping her salad onto my plate, as if I had no control over myself. She has 2 little ones and totally understood how I was feeling and encouraged me to go for it. We're going out for a friend's birthday tomorrow night, and I can't stop thinking about ordering a giant caesar salad! Yummmmmm! A cold caesar salad, I might add.

Today I decided to try my doppler - I mentioned before that I had a hard time being able to tell the difference between my heartbeat and the baby's and that the doppler never read over 130 or something like that - and the baby's heartbeat has always been between 156-177 at any appt I've been to. I had kind of given up on the doppler. Until today. Whoop whoop! When I go to bed at night, I lie flat on my back and gently run my hand over my stomach, and I'm telling you - I can actually feel my uterus sticking out. It's about half way between my belly button and my pelvic bone, maybe a smidge higher. And it's definitely there - harder than the rest, kind of the shape of a grapefruit, maybe a little more oval than round. Crazy, right? I even went so crazy as to question whether I could feel the baby's heart beating with my hand or if my own pulse was so strong that I was mistaken. I'm sure anyone would say I'm crazy, but I'm telling you. I could feel the rapid little heartbeat THROUGH my stomach. Ed thinks I"m crazy. Maybe I am. Hahaha. But back to the doppler! Today I pulled out the doppler and got onto my bed so I could find my uterus. Sure enough, the doppler picked up the baby's heartbeat (166 bpm) with no trouble at all, loud as can be, clear as can be, without even pressing down at all. And people. EXACTLY where I thought I felt the baby the other night. Does it confirm that I was actually feeling the baby? Absolutely not. Does it make me feel less crazy and kind of smile inside knowing that I think I felt my little Baby Bug? Absofrigginlutely!

Two and half more weeks until we find out that Baby Bug is a boy! Jk. Maybe he's a girl. Hahaha. I'm going to feel so so badly if I'm carrying and rubbing a baby girl - please don't tell her when she grows up that I thought she was a boy for a month. ;-)

So yes, I may be losing my job, but life is so so good.

And I should just take a moment to mention how amazing my husband is. (this may be TMI, but...) Sex drive is back, folks. Whoop! And my husband stuck it out (well, obviously. Hahaha. if he hadn't we'd be in big trouble). But seriously, it had been MONTHS upon MONTHS. In my defense, you really can't have sex during a lot of the IVF process. And frankly, I just didn't feel like it. I actually was a little concerned that I would never feel like it again. But. I was wrong.

Life. Is. Good.

Hope yours is, too!